I keep seeing these things on Pinterest about ‘how to have a successful marriage.’ I pretty much have stopped reading them because it almost always some extreme religious woman who talks about loyalty and ‘serving’ her husband, praying, and all but completely avoids the subject of sex.
Now, I am not being prejudice against religion. If it works for you, and makes you a better person, then pray, attend church and live by God. I, and no one else, is going to (or should try to) stop you. Hopefully you and your partner have discussed at length religion, you have the same views, and the slews of marriage advice on Pinterest will work for you.
But…. What about advice for the rest of us? We might be religious women who balance our beliefs with our sexuality and feminism…. Or we might be the atheist women of the world. You cannot tell me divorce rates are higher (or lower) in these groups. So, for the marriages that do work, what makes them tick? What should women do when they think their life is not meant to serve a man, but rather be his partner in their life together?
I am not married yet, and i do not claim to be some relationship guru, but I have been with my fiancé for some time. I am about to marry him in two months, and I wouldn’t be taking this big step if I had any doubts. This is my list for why our relationship works. Maybe it will work for you and your partner. It is pretty short, so read on:
1) Sex…. Why skirt around a major issue? No, it isn’t the most important thing, but it is the thing that tends to be ‘forgotten’ or ‘dwindles’ when time is short, kids (or in the case of my fiancé and I, dogs) take up our time and responsibility, and work or school stresses us out. So what has worked for us? Making a point to, for one, listen to our bodies. If I feel especially randy, I send him sexy text messages, talk dirty and tell him to rip my clothes of, or I just grab him and play with him until he can’t ignore me . There have been plenty of times that he wakes up in the morning and ravages me. We act on our feelings, albeit at appropriate times…. Most of the time anyway!
We also make an effort to have sex – don’t mistake this for ‘scheduling’ sex…. This isn’t a chore or a job. And sex shouldn’t be treated as such. Sure, it was ultimately meant for reproduction, but lets face it – we have sex because it feels good and is fun! So, if we have a rare moment alone, or go on a nice date, we get in the mood – and even if we are tired, we get it on! Oh, and you are a sexy woman, so act it! Wear something that makes you feel beautiful. Your confidence will shine through and he will hardly be able to resist you!
2) Communicate – another thing that either goes to the wayside, or is misinterpreted. The biggest thing to remember is guys are simple…. So if you hint at something (ie: playing with your hair expecting him to notice you had an inch cut off) and he doesn’t respond, how can you get mad at him? Just ask him! Tell him! In plain and simple terms, say what you mean, don’t imply. On the same note, if he tells you something point blank, don’t get upset about it, especially of you asked – guys just do not beat around the bush. I would rather have a straight answer than for him to lie or skirt around an issue because he is worried how I might react. *disclaimer – how a woman reacts during her menses should never be taken as her true reaction*.
As for him, if he is a gamer, or buried in his work, etc, etc, make sure you set aside time to talk – and make sure he knows it, without nagging him. Like – let him finish his thought, or the current mission (yes, my honey is a gamer) before you hound him to talk…. his free time is just as important as yours.
My fiancé is an EXTREME procrastinator – so I ask him point blank at least once a week ‘are there any plans I need to know about?’ He knows I am the planner, so he has gotten into the habit to just tell me what is going on when he finds out, and it goes into my handy dandy calendar. He tells me and he can forget. I will plan around said event, and I let him know what is going on… Know your nature, and his, and use this to communicate and plan.
3) compliment each other. Tell each other you love each other. Simple.
4) Be you. Always. And stand by it. Be confident every day in who you are. You are who he fell in live with.
5) Spend time apart. You are not attached at each other’s hip. Hang out with your friends, and he with his. You have the same friends? You can still make plans separately. Or, hang out in separate rooms at a party. Really, it is ok. Have your hobbies, and he his. It’s great to share these thing with each other, but sometimes you want to do things by yourself, or have a girls night out…. And that is ok for BOTH of you. No need to be a grade A clinger or the investigative girlfriend. And, to the investigator, if you don’t trust him and have to know his every move, you have bigger problems and should move on. Be with someone you have a little faith in.
6) Be loyal. Yes. Of course! You are committing your life to each other, after all!
7) Serve?! I dunno about all that… But YES, do things for each other, and be nice when accepting what he does for you! Make the effort to make a nice dinner, plan a night out, get him a ‘just because’ gift, or grab him his favorite snack once in a while at the grocery store… And if he does the same for you, don’t be critical! It’s the gesture and the thought that matters! Plus, if you are like me and were engaged FOREVER then you should have had plenty of time to know each other’s likes and dislikes – so he shouldn’t mess up too bad!! Just kidding
Which brings me to my last point
laugh together! In the words of the joker ‘why so serious?!’
Be sarcastic, watch funny movies, tell each other jokes, and, yes, it’s ok if you fart in front of him!! After all, who has time to constantly watch their back all the time and not let the funny little errors happen? The laughter is what makes life worth living!
~ Jazz Lynn
